I like to push my own buttons at times. I recognize idiosyncrasies in myself that I want to challenge, and occasionally I’ll do something kooky to push me out of my own comfort zone. I’m in sales, so one such thing might be sending one more email, or making one more phone call, after I’ve sent many with no response. I do this because I recognize that part of myself that is worried about annoying people, or putting people off, and I actively reject it.
I also recognize the fact that I’m a complete closet show off. I like showing off (I think I’ve mentioned this before), but I don’t like doing it in such a way that people actually DISCOVER what a big show-off I really am. This comes up for me a lot during yoga. I’m usually much more comfortable when I’m the least advanced student in a class, and much less comfortable when I’m the MOST advanced student in the class. When I’m the least advanced I can try, and fall and laugh and no one pays me the least bit notice. When I’m the most advanced I feel like I have to hold back because, hey, who wants to be THAT asshole doing a forearm stand in the middle of the room when everybody else is still working really hard to get to a headstand??
I should actively reject this too. I do firmly believe that during yoga people are so focused on the agony of their own practice that they pay absolutely no attention to yours. Except when you’re THAT asshole.
Tonight I took a slight more subtle route to making fun of my neuroses. My husband and I got sushi for dinner. We have a set of chopsticks that I bought in Japan (you know, when I went on that trip with my sister). One of my neuroses, for some odd reason, is balance. Things have to match. And be centered. It bugs me when they aren’t. So tonight I made every eat the sushi with mismatched chopsticks. Just because I care that much about only fretting about things that matter.
By the way, I’m still on the wagon with my challenge. I’ve run 5 miles this week and managed to squeeze in a yoga class last night. I haven’t had any junk food since last Weds, and if I stick to my regular Saturday and Sunday routine, I’ll be a shoe-in for three days of yoga. Maybe on Saturday I’ll give being that asshole a try. Just to see where it takes me.